777 Ways to Die
by Ace5980
Summary: Another one of those ways to get kicked out of Walmart-esque stories. Homunculi-centric, mild pairings scattered throughout, high CRACK and randomness.
1. 1 to 7

Okay, I couldn't resist getting in on the fun, but 'cuz I love my little homunculi, these will all be homunculi-centric, with some occasional guest appearances from everyone else. These are based off the first anime unless specified otherwise.

Disclaimer: Ace5980 does not own FullMetal Alchemist.

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1) Get involved in pop music.  
Envy and Lust liked Russian Roulette enough to try playing the actual game with a 6-chamber revolver. For some reason, seven rounds later saw no victor...

2) Play McDonalds Monopoly.  
It's become a yearly tradition for Gluttony to eat there using all the food items and for Lust and Envy to collect all the other stamps, getting more than a few complete sets. However, a later tradition that made itself apparent was that at least one of those complete sets would get stolen every year...  
No one ever did question where Greed got the money for his gambling habits though.

3) Put on a play.  
"Oh Juliet, I love you! Kiss me!"  
"... Hell no."  
"Envy, you have to kiss me. You're Juliet!"  
"Screw you, Greed."  
"Isn't that's your job, love?"  
"... Forget this, I'm gonna go terrorize the pipsqueak for a few hours."

4) Get into pyromania.  
Surprisingly, Wrath and Roy Mustang met every week to set random trashcans on fire. This actually became a routine hobby, especially when the hobos started to collect to watch the fires too.

5) Start gardening.  
The resulting investigation from Dante went cold when they discovered the last known whereabouts of little Wrath were by Envy's room with a pair of garden shears...

6) Have a seance.  
"I call upon the spirit of the dearly departed William Elric. Come forth, William!"  
"... I hate you so much right now, Greed."

7) Have a family reunion.  
With Scar, Ed, Al, Envy, Lust, Greed, Dante, and Hohenheim all in close quarters, well, it was bound to end badly from the start.

* * *

... See you next week!


	2. 8 to 14

This time, I must concede credit for number 8 partially to my friends from Chimeras. I forget exactly who started that, but you know who you are!

Disclaimer: Ace5980 does not own FullMetal Alchemist.

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8) Send someone to a therapist.  
"EN-vy!"  
"Quiet down, chibi, or they'll hear us!"

9) See a shrink for real.  
Even though Sloth dragged Wrath to the shrink, the fires only got worse...

10) Prank call Military officers.  
The attempts to find out what kind of fiend would do such a thing were halted when the phone traces went into the Fuhrer's lines...

11) See a shrink... again.  
"All my life, I've hated him for abandoning me!"  
"Uh huh, and how does that make you feel, Envy?"  
"... Shut up, Lust."

12) Pretend to be a shrink.  
"MUSTANG, WHY DOES THIS SHRINK GUY KEEP CALLING ME?"  
Little did they know all they had to do was look outside the window at the suspicious dog to figure out where the soliciting calls were coming from.

13) Assign a "friend" to be a shrink.  
Edward had never been more pissed at the underlying joke, especially when Envy was his first patient.

14) Become a State Alchemist  
Envy wore his watch around for a whole entire month before it got confiscated because he got caught using his "alchemy" to chain Edward to the wall and set the Military bathrooms on fire.

* * *

... 'Til next time!


	3. 15 to 21

A/N: M'kay, I originally wrote this when we were studying law, so yeah, it's kinda criminal-centric. Nineteen is based on what really happened to Al Capone, twenty is just random, and credit must be given to my friend Kimblee for twenty-one.

I do not own FullMetal Alchemist.

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15) Commit arson.  
The fact that Wrath had finally graduated to setting buildings on fire made Envy and Dante so proud of the little kid.

16) Stage a robbery.  
Five hours after the event, the culprit, Greed, could be found on the ground in a pile of beer bottles, passed out. He'd never drank so much in his life and fully planned on repeating the event some other night.

17) Frame someone for a crime.  
For some reason, Edward never could figure out where those assult and battery charges came from...

18) Get arrested.  
The fact Envy actually got caught for once meant Dante was really pissed about having to bail him out, even if he did never show up in court or get caught by the bounty hunters.

19) Go to court.  
Greed learned not to mess with the IRS when he got busted on tax evasion.

20) Set a new record.  
"HA! 20 murders in one night! Let's see Envy beat that!"

21) Get on the FBI's Top 10 Most Wanted List, sort of.  
No one questioned why there were 11 names on the Top 10 Most Wanted List, even though one of those names, the last one, was rather sloppily written in... On the other side of the spectrum, Kimblee got lucky; Envy's name was used instead of his that day.

* * *

... 'Later!


	4. 22 to 28

A/N: Wow, it's been a while, but I would like to thank all the people who review/favorite/whatever this story! It makes me feel good inside. My only credit-denying is part of 24, mainly 'cuz I don't own the rights to the song.

I do not own FullMetal Alchemist.

* * *

22) Support a crack habit.  
Edward never did question where Envy got the money...

23) Try to defeat blackmail.  
"GREED, WHEN DID THIS PICTURE HAPPEN? YOU'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH CHIBI-SAN AND I IN YOUR LIFE!"  
"Remember that trip we took with Edward, Envy?"  
"The one with all the fangirls?"  
"That would be the one."  
"... Oh."

24) Give someone a theme song.  
After Greed's fifth repetition of 'Envy the Cross-dressing Palm Tree', Envy was about ready to strangle him... for the third time this morning.

25) Get your own theme song.  
Envy got his revenge when he gave Greed 'Rich Girl' as a theme song... without telling him the song was about being a rich girl, not being rich and having girls.

26) Look for Narnia.  
The fact Wrath believed Envy when he said Narnia was in Edward's closet has never failed to make the palm tree howl with laughter yet.

27) Play Monopoly.  
Well, that one fell through, mainly because all the Monopoly money was gone when they opened the box...

28) Impersonate a detective.  
The Case of the Missing Monopoly Money was quickly solved; all Lust had to do was look under Greed's mattress to find the lost game pieces.

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A/N: Like I said, thanks for reading! Until next time!


	5. 29 to 35

A/N: I am so impressed with the number of reviews that I decided to give you guys this one early! However, I do have to offer one thing before we get started. Number 22, as you may remember, is support a crack habit. I must make a clarification to this, since it seems that this one has been misunderstood. Envy doesn't have the habit, Ed does; all Envy's doing is giving Ed money to go buy crack from someone, likely Greed. Oh, and as for 30, I actually have done it before, and that's pretty much how it went down.

I do not own FullMetal Alchemist, or anything else for that matter.

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29) Play Clue.  
"WHY IS IT THAT I'M NEVER THE CULPRIT? I'M THE ONE WHO ALWAYS DOES THE KILLING AROUND HERE!"  
"Maybe it's because Gluttony didn't hide the bodies for you this time, Envy."  
"... Shut up, Sloth."

30) Dishonor Clue.  
The fact Envy made a killing game out of the entire contents of a Clue game surprised no one. The fact that it was actually fun to play, however, was an entirely different story...

31) Make your own real-life Clue.  
No one ever did manage to quite solve the murder of Lt. Col. Hughes...

32) Watch a little kid's show.  
"LOOK STEVE, A CLUE!"  
"Wrath, get this paint off my face!"  
"AH! THE PALM TREE'S GONNA KILL ME BECAUSE HE'S THE CLUE!"  
And Wrath never played Blue's Clues again.

33) Have a family game night.  
The fact Envy and Greed managed to cooperate to make a complex code system in order to take down the undefeatable Dante in Battleship was never spoken of ever again.

34) Try to play Risk.  
"SHIT, WHY ARE THESE RULES SO LONG?"  
"I DON'T KNOW! GLUTTONY, JUST EAT THEM!"  
"YAY!" Five seconds later... "Ow, I got a papercut on my tongue!"

35) Actually play Risk.  
Envy kamakazeed out early to take down Dante. Greed got taken out next due to his decisions to take every country known to man, Pride failed without his State Alchemists, and Sloth was too lazy to actually play, but before they could determine the winner, Wrath overturned the board and declared a cease-fire.

* * *

'Later!


End file.
